Wednesday, July 30, 2008

OK so when Salem was born Angel was too. She was born still of course. Salem was so fragile at birth and I was determined not to have her birthday associated with a funeral. So we cremated Angel and did a memorial service 5 weeks later and it was only me, Brian, Korie and my inlaws. I regret that. I still didn't want a funeral service at Salem's bday but really after watching the support a friend received last year it makes me wonder if it would have helped with the grieving process. I don't think I grieved. Salem was so fragile and seeing SO many doctors for so long that I realize now that I didn't think about anything.

I was just maintaining day by day and today it's hitting me. Almost 6 years later.

So I think grief counseling is in order but really it's just one more thing to do that I really don't have time for. The girls therapy schedule consumes our life most days. We miss the fun morning playdates and activities...Raina is an absolute monster at therapy for Salem. She was at her monster best today. Usually she waits to throw her monster fit right before we leave the rehab center. But today I ended up dragging her out and I do let her drag cause she always stops when we get out the door to the concrete - so she can obviously control it. Yet today she started before we got out of the car. It was awful. Another mom was trying to make me feel better but I was just losing it and crying. Seriously how can one 3 year old bring on so much stress? LOL.

I ended up crying and calling Brian and begging him to come get her. Well he didn't come get her but he came up there and she went from hiding underneath the chairs against the wall and playing with Brian. I swear he must think I am losing my mind cause she is never like this with him. Well seldom. He has seen her fierce temper but he can cajole her out of it so freaking easy. I can't.

So seriously - what am I going to do in the fall? Raina's therapy will be during the day 2 days a week for 2 hours. But because of that we lost Mother's Day Out. So LaRae is going to keep her on Wednesdays for 4 hours so I can have time to myself to clean and run errands. But Salem's therapy will be after school at least 2 days a week. I might can get one early morning. And we're doing gymnastics on Wednesday and it's important to Salem that she keep that. So really Salem is used to therapy and has always been quick to adjust.

It's Raina I worry about. Can you imagine? LOL. So yes back to grief counseling I do see it as one more thing to "get done" and I just don't see how unless I can find a counselor that has an opening between 8:30-9:30 on T/Th.


Williams Family said...

Awe, Leah. I'm so sorry. I bet you wanted to find a chair too to hide under. I would. I hope things get better for Raina soon. I'm sure once she starts using words more it will get easier.
Life can be so hard sometimes. And it's never just one thing in your life that needs attention. That's where all the juggling comes in. You're very good at it too! But it's still hard.
I think you need to take care of yourself as far as griefing goes. It will do you good and it will work wonders on your "stress" level. Losing a child is so hard. I can't imagine the pain that you still feel. You need help coping with the pain.
I'll be praying that it will all work out. Raina is a doll baby. She's got personality and spunk and I love it! She's just very delicate and needs that extra attention. Daddies are just plain special. It amazes me how well John can deal with a situation that I can't. God knew what he was doing apparently.

Julia Stewart said...

T is the same way with me and Mason thinks I do something to agravate him because T is always happy around his Daddy....


The Walters' Family said...

Have you ever heard of a group called MOPS? I've heard they are a wonderful group of ladies that just love on you and share the adventures of motherhood together.

No, seriously...Leah, thank you for being so vulnerable in your post. LaRae gives awesome advice. Things can just go array at times, and we need support to get through it. You are such a precious sister in Christ, and Salem and Raina will follow in your foot steps. These days are just hard with them being so little.