Sunday, March 29, 2009

12 Week Pics & Weekly Exercise Log

The first pic is awful but my DH had it on the wrong setting but I think it's more flattering to what I've lost. These are my size 16 capris. :) And ignored my hair. The West Texas wind destroyed it! LOL.

Week 6
3/22 - 100 Crunches, Body Flow Class 1 Hour, WK4D3
3/23 - WK5D1, Worked Arms
3/24 - WK5D2, Worked Legs
3/25 - Pilates 45 Minutes, Cardio (Cross Trainer, Treadmill & Various Exercises) 1 Hour
3/27 - 1 Hour Strength Training, Worked Arms & Legs

Week 7 - This week I started with...
3/29 - Body Flow Class 1 Hour, WK4D3, 100 Crunches

Monday, March 23, 2009

Posting a Fun Victory!!!

1. I bought and wore a pair of size 16 capris Saturday!!! :)
2. I am now 189! :) That's the lowest weight I've been in 10 years.

I did the Body Flow class today at the gym. I loved it. It was hard when we worked my legs but I felt SO relaxed and good that after the hour workout, I went and did my C25K run! :) It feels SO much better running on the treadmill at the gym. I do have a treadmill at home but it's not as stable I guess and I've run some at ACU this past week and holy cow my shins hurt.

This week my workout goals are:

Monday - Gym C25K Week 5 Day 1
Tuesday - C25K Week 5 Day 2
Wednesday - Cardio/Strength Training
Thursday - C25K Week 5 Day 3
Friday - Cardio/Strength Training
Saturday - Rest
Sunday - Body Flow

Please say a pray for Salem this morning. She's been doing GREAT in tutoring. We do think retention is an issue but really the only thing we can do about that right now is reinforce and repeat. Please pray that she doesn't stress or get anxious and does as well as she can.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Update From Me

No pics. I swear my camera HATES me. I lost my beloved Canon S2 last October. So I bought another camera and I have the worst time getting the cord to connect to the computer when connected to the camera. But it works with Brian's blackberry! GRRR.

This is my exercise log this week. I have to work out today. Not sure what to do yet. The newest recommendations for weight loss is 300 minutes a week! Ack! Anything helps but it really helps when you do it consecutively and work different muscle groups and that's what I am trying to do. I have SO much more energy.

3/16 - 100 Crunches, 10 Wall Push Ups, Wall Sits, 15 Cardio On Treadmill
3/17 - 100 Crunches, WK4D1
3/18 - 100 Crunches, Strength Training 40 Minutes, WK4D2
3/20 - 100 Crunches, Strength Training/Cardio - 1 Hour

I am going to start going to a bible based grief support group on Mondays until June. I am a tad nervous. It's like people need to label things and qualify why you are hurting or grief stricken. I almost chose to go to a child loss group but then thought of how devastated I would be if someone thought my losses were less than theirs. I've been looking out my window into the back yard everyday and I hope the tree that we planted for Brynna and Angel blooms soon. It looks so sad looking so barren.

Salem is doing GREAT in tutoring. Her tutor things she will be fine for 1st grade. Salem does have testing next week. Sigh! I know it's a necessary evil but I hate it. LOL.

Raina is doing well with speech and we're now attempting to get her not to suck her fingers by using a hand sock with a zip tie. Poor kid. She is smiling in this pic but she got ice cream! She was not smiling for 2 days. Today we took it off to take a bath and she willingly put a new one on so hopefully that's a good sign.

We went to see Dr. Steadman on Monday and they are getting us a referral to a pediatric neurologist in Dallas. Salem needs to be officially tested for Audiology Processing Disorder and Raina - well even though Raina is doing GREAT in speech she is still SO far behind and I am hoping I am just being ultra sensitive but I think she's fairly behind socially - not average shyness - and in sensory overload. So I am going to have them check her out just in case. Then we'll get a referral to rehab for OT and Speech as she won't qualify for any services with Headstart after summer as she's not at risk and has more than 10 words (even though she only speaks in 3-4 word phrases at almost 4).

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

How to be...

I don't think I've ever mentioned it on my blog but I've been going to therapy since November. I think I was kinda embarrassed by it but really it's been my saving grace. God has used this young man to really get through to me and now I really look forward to my sessions even though for the most part I leave tired and emotional and somewhat beat down. But I always feel better later.

Well one of my issues is my lack of emotion - mainly sadness and grief. Why don't I allow myself to be sad? I was asked to figure that out and really think it through.

So I started thinking. First I have a relationship that is VERY on the verge of crumbling. An important relationship. That's highly stressful and I feel somewhat guilty about it. All of you who know me know I am a "fixer". Why can't I fix this? But I can't.

All I can do is fix me. It's hard. But probably for the first time in my life I am concentrating on self care. I can't be a good wife or mom if I don't. Amy moved out last summer, Larrah moved out in January and my mom moved about 20 minutes away 2 weeks ago. I have had so many people around for so long and I love them SO much but I was craving quiet and less people around and now I wonder what to do with the quiet. LOL. There's nothing for me to fix this way. I am trying to learn to be mindful and just "be" and not feel like I have to do or fix everything.

I really find therapy hard but I look forward to it every week. I need it. I am still working on dealing with how easily frustrated I am and snappy etc. Two weeks ago I started crying in therapy and trying desperately to stop and my therapist wanted to know why I didn't want to cry. And I really didn't know. I feel so weak and out of control when I cry. I do cry when I get super angry but that's a different kind of tears so I think it's different. I went home and watched the Biggest Loser for almost 2 hours by myself and cried the WHOLE episode. OK I know the show didn't do that even though it can be a tear jerker but still. Why was I crying? I went back last week and talked to him about it. He wanted me to try to figure out what I am actually feeling when I am angry or frustrated or sad.

So Sunday Brian REALLY hurt my feelings over something stupid. I really needed to let what happened go. He just really had a clueless moment. But I felt myself starting to get furious and then somehow I just quietened my heart and ended up walking away. Then I started tearing up. Not bawling or out of control but I let myself get sad and you know what? It wasn't the end of the world. And I didn't start WW3 over something stupid. Well it wasn't totally without merit that I was upset but it wasn't worth WW3. So that led me to really think about sadness and I came up with this:

I didn’t start out being easily angry or frustrated. I am actually very sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily. To be honest I was a cry baby. Why do I not want to cry now? In the past my emotions were all over the place. I would cry to get my way or just cry because I couldn’t not cry. This was all before I turned 27. Then when I was 27 something VERY traumatic happened and I found myself isolated and unsafe emotionally and I just couldn't be that cry baby anymore out of self preservation. Plus I had cried almost my whole life. I was tired of crying. Somehow I decided crying was something that made me weak and was definitely not needed.

I wasn’t even easily angered or frustrated back then. Brian and I met and then got married and life was good. I wasn't a cry baby and I wasn't easily frustrated. For a while my emotions seemed in a good place. Then infertility hit. It broke me. The sadness was over whelming. I cried so much and it just seemed to consume me. I cried every where. At work, at home, with friends. I let too many people in trying to find a way out of my sadness that I eventually alienated everyone I guess. When people can’t help you – they stop trying after a while. At least that’s how I interpreted it. We struggled to have a baby from the fall of 98 until January 02. Then I did IVF. All the hormones did me in but IVF was easy compared to the rest. Needles didn’t bother me anymore. Then we got pregnant. Then we had triplets when we only transferred two. Then one of the identicals died. Then a second baby died at 22 weeks. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Then I stopped crying. I don't think I had any tears left. I think that’s when I started purposely trying not to cry. I found it didn’t help and I felt like I needed to be strong. To be strong I felt I had to not cry. And I felt like crying just isolated me even more. I was on bedrest for 14 weeks and alone so much of it with Brian in school and at work. At first I had visitors from work and church and then that stopped. Every week I trekked to the doctors office 2-3 times – mostly alone. I had to be strong. I had to survive this. Brian wasn't even as sad as I was. But he also wasn't carrying a deceased baby inside him and a living baby and wondering if she was going to die too. It was hard to even wonder what life would be like with her. I fully expected something worse to happen. So I felt I had to be strong. Plus I couldn't stand the pity I felt. It wasn't sympathy but pity. If I was strong people wouldn't pity me.

Salem was born and I felt such a HUGE immense relief. Then her health issues started. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It’s different when you struggle within but when you see the child you hoped and prayed for struggling with life – not even barely able to eat – it destroys you. I think that's when my anger really started. I loved this little girl more than life but I was also mad, furious even that I went through all this CRAP to get pregnant and get Salem here safely, lose 2 babies, and then this. It was freaking NOT fair. I didn't deserve this did I? Did I do something to cause this? Certainly she didn't deserve it. So I learned to pretend all was ok and do what I had to do to get through the day. I called it surviving.

When people found out about her health issues they would ask how we were but I soon felt they really didn’t want to know. And I didn’t have a strong friend during this time to lean on. I became Salem’s mom and her strong advocate and fought for everything she needed because people here don't understand Noonan Syndrome and I will always be that advocate but I lost myself in the process. Just the shell of a person doing what she had to do.

Today 6+ years later I think I get so frustrated and snappy because I don’t know how to let go and be sad or hurt or frustrated without feeling out of control. I think I feel like it would consume me. How would it feel to cry and cry and cry and really let go and then just go to sleep and then wake up the next day and start a new day? Would it overwhelm me? Would it lead to destructive behaviors?

This is a year of total self care for me. From the physical to the mental to the spiritual. I feel like it all is depended on this. So I am trying to figure it out. How do I let go without going over the edge of sadness? I know the answer is in God and just letting myself be sad. But I am still fearful of letting go and falling over that edge. There is such a fine line and I am tired of searching for it. I want God to just fix it. I am tired. I wrote most of this on Sunday the 15th. Today I went to therapy again and I did just weep and probably for the first time didn't try to stop it.

When I got home from therapy today I got this email from a friend. Talk about God timing.

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

This is my prayer: I need to be at peace and feel free to be where I am. Even if the sadness and grief is overwhelming. I would give someone else the grace and mercy to be sad and grieve. I need to give it to myself. God I can’t find it in me to be thankful for what has happened to me. But I am thankful your presence has been with me through it all. Thank you for giving me the courage and strength to get through this time in my life. Let me have peace to be still, peace to feel sad, even peace to be angry and in all of it not let the sadness or anger become infected and ugly but healing.

Look at what I am wearing!!!!

Look what I'm wearing? I haven't worn this shirt since this picture was taken in November of 2005. :) And I am wearing jeans that are smaller.

Woo Hoo!!!!! And the exciting thing is I haven't lost a pound in a week but I am losing inches.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


I saw this on Gwen's blog and had to copy...

I am: a Christian, a wife, a mother...I really don't have huge goals outside of being the best of those that I can be.

I think: way too much most of the time. I over analyze and worry things to death. It consumes me and I really have to work on it.

I have: enough. I do and echo Gwen's sentiments. We're not rich but we're blessed. I have a car, a house I love, a wonderful husband and 4 beautiful girls and I get to do most I want to do. Maybe I am low maintenance but when I hear that over half the world's population only lives on $2 a day and that a child dies from hunger every 7 seconds - well I become very repentant.

I admit I do want more sometimes but I refuse to let it consume me the way it did in my twenties. Life is too short to be consumed by "stuff".

I dislike: abuse of any kind - especially children. Lazy people or people who think they know it all. Just be quiet already.

I miss: Angel and Brynna every day and man can I make Salem and Raina stop growing? It's going so fast. I also miss my papa.

I fear: anything happening to any member of my family. And the unknown. Just like Gwen. There goes that thinking spirit again.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Another random update

WOW a week flew by. Nothing major interesting going on except that I quit my part time job. Seems crazy but it was too much time away from the kids and Brian with our busy schedules.

My 2 month update slightly late: I am doing well. Down 40 pounds and going strong. Still dealing with some nausea but its better and I feel great. I work out about 5 times a week and just got my bloodwork today! Hoping all is well. I am so excited. I am in an 18 and a 1x (started at a 22 and a tight 2x). I am SO very excited. :)I have so much more energy already. Its amazing. The lowest I've been in 10 years is 189 and I am close to bypassing that.

Brian and I got away with the girls and went to Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine. It's an awesome indoor water park. y. Last year when we went I was miserably tired and hated it to be honest (the active part). I was glad Raina hated it as well so I'd have an excuse to be in my room resting while she napped or we relaxed in the kiddie pool or hot tub. But this year she loved it and honestly so did I. Just weighing 40+ pounds less I have WAY more energy and I was going down the slides with the girls. The big twisty slides. Brian noticed and commented. We must have gone down the slides about 30 times a day. No more being a sidelines mama for me.

And speaking of Great Wolf Lodge - This is Raina devastated that we are leaving. In the lobby she kept falling down and crying no home - no home. When we get her to the car that is her hand is reaching towards GWL as we're leaving and she's saying swimming pool! Sad!