Thursday, September 3, 2009

Waiting Expectantly

I can think of a 1000 updates then I think - wow that's too much info. And I scare myself from it. Anyone ever do that? In my effort to grow spiritually, heal emotionally and strive to be authentic and transparent I find that my greatest stumbling block is simply myself. Fear.

I went to see T for the first time in Lubbock on Tuesday after a month of zero therapy. At first it was fine. But the last 10 days before our session - wow it amazed me how much I needed to talk and process. And I find it hard to really do that outside these sessions. But I have to remember before November of 2008 I didn't talk at all. I didn't share my stuff with Brian or friends or a pastor or a mentor. I simply stuffed it in. And we all know how unhealthy that is. So then I finally went to therapy. God used it to develop me - to deliver me. But these sessions are winding down. They might not be done this month or this year. For right now I will be going for 2 hours twice a month or so. But indefinitely I want to not need therapy. That's my goal as much as I love talking to T I have to learn at some point to rely less on therapy on more on God in me and learn to process and work through things independently yet not in isolation.

And I really am a creature of isolation. Those of you who may know me from MOPS or The Mission or a variety of other places may not believe that at first but it's my reality. I've never been relational. It's never come easy to me - having girl friends, coexisting with other moms etc without constantly second guessing myself or wondering what they think about me. I am social. But as authentic as my words are to others - they are shadowed by fear. It is getting better but the process seems to get harder the further in I get.

I feel God tearing my walls down and teaching me to be relational. So OK God I am ready. Now I sit here after cleaning my house, doing my bible study and about to work out and realize how lonely I really am now that the girls are in school everyday for 6 hours. I do volunteer at school, some MOPS projects, church etc. But I think God is purposely quietening my life. My life was too crowded - too loud - to ever realize in the past how lonely I was. In the past I've hidden my loneliness fairly well. Even from myself. But the older I get, the more I feel God's presence in my life and the more I feel called to step outside my walls and serve humanity - the more I realize how deep this loneliness can be. So I think I am lonely for a reason. For God to show me how to move out of the loneliness and into relationships.

God meant for us to be relational. I may never be the most popular mom on the block - the one everyone wants to be with. I may never be the most sought after speaker or the person everyone wants to read what they have to say on their blog - but God is calling me. He's equipping me and that terrifies me because I know it means being even more authentic and transparent - thus at risk. My past may at some point offend someone who is close minded. It may isolate me from someone I thought loved me. But I can no longer let that fear rule my heart and imprison me. I don't have to shout my stuff to the world. I kinda wish I could process it and then bury it in a cemetery. But I don't think that's what God has planned. Well I know it's not what God has planned.

I have to admit that lately I have been reaching out and not seeing a lot of fruit yet. And that hurts. Lunch dates forgotten or invitations ignored hurt. But somehow I know God is perfecting me and teaching me through that. And I am trying to cling to that.

T always - and I mean ALWAYS - tells me to honor the process at whatever point it's at. Sigh. I'm trying but If I am honest I hate the process. HATE it. Nothing beautiful here in this moment. But I am waiting expectantly on the Lord to bring beauty from the ashes of my life. To bring healing into my soul and bring continual loving and caring people into my life.

O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Psalms 5:3

I am waiting expectantly.

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