Thursday, May 21, 2009

My prayer this week

It's so easy for me to have compassion and hope for others. So why do I punish myself? For the sins of a child trying to find someone to love her? The sins of a teen that had zero maturity and role models to show her the right way? For the sins of a young woman moving forward and looking for her place in life - yet on the wrong road. I could see that life I wanted parallel to the road I was on. I just couldn't get there so I stayed where I was. Forgive me Lord for my part in my self destruction. Help me let it go. Help me not blame myself and walk in shame. I want to walk head lifted high - there is no scarlet letter visible on me. The past is truly the past. I don't know or understand everything that happened and I am almost past the point of wanting to understand. I just want to move forward. Today I am sad. And that's ok. I went to bed thinking of our lives (mine and Brian's) and the children we once were. Then I saw my own girls laying in between us and I knew that our goal was to give them more love and attention than we ever received. Healthy beautiful love and attention. We don't want them to be broken adults like we have been.

God please glue us back together. Help us find our way. Help us grieve what we need to grieve, let go of what we need to let go off and move forward. I want to cherish my life today - even where it's at - even the sadness I am feeling. There is something to be joyful about even in the midst of my turmoil. Life is a gift. Lord help me turn my intentions into actions. Jesus gave his whole life for me. Help me to not short change him and hold onto things that need to be let go of. Your word clearly says you have a plan and future for me. A plan to prosper me and not to harm me. You call me by name. (Jeremiah 29:11-14). I have been in exile and I am on the long journey home. Please sustain me. I feel as if I have been in exile my whole life and now I am returning home.

Lord these tears I am crying are old tears
Tears decades old yet never fallen
Tears afraid to fall
I was wrong
There is no weakness in my tears
They cleanse me - they strengthen me
They give me hope.
Thank you Lord for the beautiful garden springing up from the darkness in my soul.
Let my tears fall freely bringing this beautiful garden up.
Help me not be selfish wanting the garden for myself.
This road I am on is long and so often very hard.
But I am at the end of this road.
My tears have a purpose.
You have a plan.
Thank you for not forsaking me.


marcia said...

I am sorry for anything I did in you feeling this way...I understand more than you know...may you find a place we can meet on level ground and truly have fun, peace and love.

Smartie Duck said...

Leah, I know the road hasn't been easy, but I do know what is ultimately at the end.

Love you.